It is dusk again before I step out of structure that currently suits me as shelter, and pull and lock the door behind me, then lifting my hood against the curious and hostile stares. Even now, even without my uniform on, I see the disgust in the eyes of the men who know me, or know of me. There is still that ever present hostility that lurks as a palpable tension that seems to cocoon itself around me, yet no one, not a single one of them, steps forward to challenge me. I am unarmored this night, I bear no weapon, I wear nothing but my street clothes and a cloak, and yet those who recognize and hate, dare not bar my path. Somehow, this soothes me, calming my jagged nerves, as I head to the stables to collect the mount that is, without a doubt, prepared and waiting for me.
I lay a pair of gold coins in the palm of the boy who fetches me the familiar black mare, fully tacked and ready for the journey. She is a calm, fleet footed little thing, and somehow having her to bear me to my fate, is another pacifying influence, and I smile and lay my gloved hand upon the length of her nose, murmuring my hello's to the beast. My leg is up and over her back and with a glance back I urge her to a sprint with the heels of my boots, "come now, Mother is waiting" and we are off like an arrow into the gathering darkness.
Just beyond sight of the lumbering walls of the city, I reign her in and we settle to a comfortable canter, and I feel my nerves rising. It has been a long time since I truly returned home. Nearly seven years ago I lost my way, and I have wandered directionless ever since. Will Mother even recognize me now? Will she be able to look upon me, and not turn away in revulsion? Will she hate me? These questions, chatter like small birds perched upon my shoulders, the words sharp in my mind, poking and prodding at the shadows of my past, finding those tender, infected memories that taint my dreams. I shiver beneath my cloak as the cool night settles in once and for all in the realm and the mists of the forest begin to send fingers of fog over the fields, spreading from the edge of the woods like a silent hunter.
I arrive at the gate after what seems an entirely too short journey, and I dismount, leaving the little mare in the hands of an gnarled man with very few teeth. Another few coins slip from my hand and I walk the street alone. Each step I take, carries me past small homes, lit from within by candle and lanterns, each one taking more effort to complete. Inevitably I am brought to a familiar iron gate, and as I pass through, I lay my hand upon a stone statue and speak to it as I pass, "watch the door" I command the gargoyle, who does nothing in return but stare at me through dead, stone eyes.
I pull the cord that sends the bell on the inside into a momentarily clamour, and soon the door opens and a small, meek woman steps in side. "He is expecting you" the familiar voice offers. "Take me to him" I reply, offering no smile, no courtesy to the woman. I am brought to a large wooden door and I waiting for the reply as the tiny woman knocks to announce my arrival. I am led inside, and as quickly as she arrives, the woman flees, closing the door behind her, leaving me to my fate.
I stand there, facing my host again, and he asks me if I am prepared. Prepared? Is that even possible? No, of course not, and yet, my own lips betray me and tell the man, that yes, I am ready. I marvel at my own insanity, as I calmly turn and follow him out of the study, and he leads me into a part of the structure I had never seen before. Once I step past that threshold and the door closes solidly behind me. I know it is now too late. I must face her and be judged. There is no going back.
I step down the stone corridor, lead to her without fail, and I stare at what awaits me. Well, ready or not Mother...here I come.
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